11.14.2010

Failure. Brokenness. Forgiveness. Repeat.

I would say that I fail at 10 out of 10 things that I do. There is not a single thing in my life that I have been great at and not messed up most of the time.

Today, I have broken down 4 or 5 times already and I'm sure I'm not done. And it's not that there has been nothing good that has happened. Work was fine and I can't describe how much I love those kids. Walmart rides with the internationals was a blast, as per usual. Got to wear my favourite coat for the first time this season. The weather is cold, but at least it's been sunny. But still, things hurt me more than usual, bitterness is swelling in my heart even as I type this, and I literally kicked my textbook across the room in frustration. As if you needed proof that I'm a sinful being, there you go. Total depravity of man right there. I get so angry at the amount of things that I can't do and the list piles up and up. Schoolwork, mobilization, prayer, consistency in my walk with the Lord, consistency in my friendships. I'll spare you the rest.

So it is with humility and disappointment in myself that I sit here and say (type?) that I am a failure.
Always have been, always will be.

It's a wonder that the Lord still accepts me into His arms and allows me to be a part of the work He is doing.
Really. I'm always in shock that He looks at me, and my track record, and still says, "Oh, hey, Janelle. I'm going to let you be a part of my mission in reaching the nations. Let me bless you with sweet time with Harun, Ilya, Victor & Maria." I'm still in awe that He has given me guidance from a sweet woman like Kelsey as I prepare to graduate in a month and a half. Though we've met together once and we only have a short time, and she doesn't think of herself as a good mentor, I'm already aware of the ways she will challenge me to meet with the Lord and apply His word to my life. I'm amazed consistently by how he takes every broken piece of me and uses it in one way or another.

I fail, and tonight I'm feeling it almost more than ever- and I'm humbly asking for prayer from those of you who read this. But somehow, I know that though I am frail and my humanity is so blaringly obvious at times like these, that God is good. He is sovereign. He made me this way for a reason and He is sanctifying me daily, and will use me as I grow in Him.

4 comments:

Gary Simmons said...

Your day turned out just like mine, it seems. At once I feel as though progress was made and yet at the same time nothing has improved. And I also failed today. I'll spare you the details, and just say I'm praying for you Janelle. I don't know you very well, obviously, and I'm not a regular reader of your blog. The only reason I clicked the FB link this time was because "complete failure" is exactly what I felt like today, too.

I'm sorry you're frustrated and hurt. But then again, I'm glad you're encouraged that His strength is made perfect in your weakness. I hope you know it's not just you -- it's all of us. And I pray that you'll receive comfort and strength.

Tomorrow is a new day.

Katina Rae Hembree said...

O, dear friend, me too. I am broken when I see that I expect myself to be perfect, that I am automatically sure of myself so that I do not first crawl with this frail body to my omnipotent Saviour and fall on him for strength and peace. Thank you Janelle for this honest communication of weakness in self and strength in Christ.
Praise him for his grace and forgiveness!

Zoegrl said...

I'm so glad I'm not alone. I am encouraged by your honest struggle and I know others are as well. Rejoice in the new mercies and know you're not alone.

Praise the God who looks at us and sees His Son.
Love you lots and lots.

chadlinski said...

Janelle, mate I love and care for ya heaps! Sorry I wasn't on skype when you needed to chat, but lets get a sesh happening soon!

You are an awesome person and a fellow ENFP, so I know what it's like having all these goals and missing them. I was just talking to another mate about half an hour ago about how saying no to things is mega hard, but ultimately allows us to focus on a few things and do them really really well.

Also in my Community Development classes we've been learning that its not about the result, but the process. You may not feel like your achieving stuff but your definitely growing from the process ;)

Definitely wish I wasn't on the other side of the world or I'd totally give you a massive bearhug and take you out for a coffee and a chat.

Praying for ya champ