I would say that I fail at 10 out of 10 things that I do. There is not a single thing in my life that I have been great at and not messed up most of the time.
Today, I have broken down 4 or 5 times already and I'm sure I'm not done. And it's not that there has been nothing good that has happened. Work was fine and I can't describe how much I love those kids. Walmart rides with the internationals was a blast, as per usual. Got to wear my favourite coat for the first time this season. The weather is cold, but at least it's been sunny. But still, things hurt me more than usual, bitterness is swelling in my heart even as I type this, and I literally kicked my textbook across the room in frustration. As if you needed proof that I'm a sinful being, there you go. Total depravity of man right there. I get so angry at the amount of things that I can't do and the list piles up and up. Schoolwork, mobilization, prayer, consistency in my walk with the Lord, consistency in my friendships. I'll spare you the rest.
So it is with humility and disappointment in myself that I sit here and say (type?) that I am a failure.
Always have been, always will be.
It's a wonder that the Lord still accepts me into His arms and allows me to be a part of the work He is doing.
Really. I'm always in shock that He looks at me, and my track record, and still says, "Oh, hey, Janelle. I'm going to let you be a part of my mission in reaching the nations. Let me bless you with sweet time with Harun, Ilya, Victor & Maria." I'm still in awe that He has given me guidance from a sweet woman like Kelsey as I prepare to graduate in a month and a half. Though we've met together once and we only have a short time, and she doesn't think of herself as a good mentor, I'm already aware of the ways she will challenge me to meet with the Lord and apply His word to my life. I'm amazed consistently by how he takes every broken piece of me and uses it in one way or another.
I fail, and tonight I'm feeling it almost more than ever- and I'm humbly asking for prayer from those of you who read this. But somehow, I know that though I am frail and my humanity is so blaringly obvious at times like these, that God is good. He is sovereign. He made me this way for a reason and He is sanctifying me daily, and will use me as I grow in Him.