Anger vs. Peace.

I have never needed this more than I do right now.

  

on celebrating birthdays.

They left me

with your shadow,

saying things like

"Life is not fair."

& I believed them

for a long time.

But today,

I remembered

the way you laughed

& the heat

of your hand

in mine

& I knew that

life is more fair

than we can

ever imagine

if

we are there to live it.

Today is your birthday and I miss you. As usual. But today is also a glorious reminder of the work you did here, what brought our little family together. Obama is releasing his strategy to stop LRA violence and rebuild the communities in Northern Uganda today, Chris. You'd be so excited :) We all worked together and the day is finally here. Wish you could be here with me to celebrate. I'll keep an extra close eye out for it today and we won't back down if it's not up to par. Loving you always and loving the family we all became a part of. We're pushing on, we're celebrating your life, your legacy.

Happy Birthday, my dear friend. Love you.

Failure. Brokenness. Forgiveness. Repeat.

I would say that I fail at 10 out of 10 things that I do. There is not a single thing in my life that I have been great at and not messed up most of the time.

Today, I have broken down 4 or 5 times already and I'm sure I'm not done. And it's not that there has been nothing good that has happened. Work was fine and I can't describe how much I love those kids. Walmart rides with the internationals was a blast, as per usual. Got to wear my favourite coat for the first time this season. The weather is cold, but at least it's been sunny. But still, things hurt me more than usual, bitterness is swelling in my heart even as I type this, and I literally kicked my textbook across the room in frustration. As if you needed proof that I'm a sinful being, there you go. Total depravity of man right there. I get so angry at the amount of things that I can't do and the list piles up and up. Schoolwork, mobilization, prayer, consistency in my walk with the Lord, consistency in my friendships. I'll spare you the rest.

So it is with humility and disappointment in myself that I sit here and say (type?) that I am a failure.

Always have been, always will be.

It's a wonder that the Lord still accepts me into His arms and allows me to be a part of the work He is doing.

Really. I'm always in shock that He looks at me, and my track record, and still says, "Oh, hey, Janelle. I'm going to let you be a part of my mission in reaching the nations. Let me bless you with sweet time with Harun, Ilya, Victor & Maria." I'm still in awe that He has given me guidance from a sweet woman like Kelsey as I prepare to graduate in a month and a half. Though we've met together once and we only have a short time, and she doesn't think of herself as a good mentor, I'm already aware of the ways she will challenge me to meet with the Lord and apply His word to my life. I'm amazed consistently by how he takes every broken piece of me and uses it in one way or another.

I fail, and tonight I'm feeling it almost more than ever- and I'm humbly asking for prayer from those of you who read this. But somehow, I know that though I am frail and my humanity is so blaringly obvious at times like these, that God is good. He is sovereign. He made me this way for a reason and He is sanctifying me daily, and will use me as I grow in Him.

Movers and Shakers.

Friends, Romans, Countrymen. Lend me your ear:

I mean, you may not remember this or anything... but on May 24th, this little bill called the LRA Disarmament and Northern Uganda Recovery Act got signed into LAW. It was just a tiny accomplishment that took the help of just a handful of people. Practically like 5 or 6 people at Resolve and IC. Maybe 7.


... No...

Wait...

Eff. That's not right at all. Screw the 5th of November... Remember Remember the 24th of May! (Though that doesn't quite have a nice rhyme to it. Work with me here.)
Guys, we ALL worked TOGETHER to pass that bill, and now, look how time flies. President Obama has 8 DAYS to get that plan of action out.

Did you see that?

8 freaking days.

The staff at Resolve Uganda, along with activists across the nation, have been working their butts off to ensure that this strategy that President Obama decides upon is not just a halfway thought through plan, but rather an effective and holistic strategy to end Joseph Kony's reign, and end the suffering that Central Africa has been dealing with for 24 years.

So, just like we needed your help in getting that bill signed into law, now it's time for some follow through!

We want 10,000 signatures on this pledge stating that we are waiting for that strategy and are expecting a comprehensive plan of action. Have you signed it yet? Go here. Now.
http://salsa.democracyinaction.org/o/2241/p/dia/action/public/?action_KEY=4766


It takes less than 5 minutes to sign that. Use your voice to fight for those without it. We refuse to stand for injustice. So speak up. Be heard. If you don't say a word, everything will stay the same way.

 

on flirting.

Here's the deal, I want to flirt with my husband.

And I don't just mean when we're dating, or the first few years of marriage... but 50 years down the road when I'm frumpy and he's balding.

I want be 55 and still buy lingerie to wear for him, because I hope he still thinks I'm sexy.

I want to text him flirty texts and surprise him with his favourite dinner, served while wearing a catwoman costume... because why the heck not?

I hope we make fun of each other all the time, I know I'm ridiculous... and if he's married to me, he'll have to be.

I want him to bring me tulips and lilies when we are old, because he knows me well enough to not get me roses.

I want to dance with him.. and not just that wimpy swaying back and forth... I want to tango, to salsa, to waltz with him on into the night. Put on a long dress... or maybe just a nightgown, and dance.

I want to travel the world with him, and live overseas with him, keeping a record of all the places we've visited... or, well.. nevermind.

I hope we people watch. That sounds so silly, but you know it's fun. We'll imitate the new couples as they are first falling in love, and ooh and ahh over each other like the young marrieds do. We'll laugh at awkward outfits and funny looking puppies, and roll our eyes at the pulled together business man who walks with an arrogant strut.

I want to give him my "dear future husband" journal at our wedding... and start a new one: full of fun facts and cute things that made me think of him during the day, so that each week, he has something new that I reveal or a new secret I let him in on (like how smokin hot I think he looks in his old geezer glasses).

I desperately hope that our idea of a good time when we are 65 is not just watching a sappy movie, but that we have picnics, set up a hammock in the woods, hike, make matching tie-dye shirts.

I want to fall madly in love with my husband every single day, and I want to grow with him in Christ as Christ directs us. I want to be overwhelmed with how much he listens to the Lord in the hard times, and I want him to be the leader during rough patches. I know that there will be fights and anger, but I trust that having Christ as our center will help us get through our problems.

And I hope that even after all the sickness, laughter, tears, babies, headaches, joy, family losses, and arguments...

I hope that we flirt.

and thus I make it my ambition to preach the Gospel...

I get so angry with apathy, with ignorance that people don't even try to cure, with self-absorption.

Each week, I see it grow in our group, and it makes me want to cry. What has happened? How can you take what you read in the Word and in these books that challenge you, and then not actually apply it? We discuss them, we "ooh" and "that's so true" and "that really challenged me," but when are we changing the way we live our life because of it?

Get out and do something. Don't be so selfish with what the Lord has given.

We are blessed to be a blessing.

We are blessed to be a blessing.

We are blessed to be a blessing.

We are blessed to be a blessing.

Here in America, we just stop after "we are blessed."

You have a car? Give international students rides to Walmart. You have clean water? Drink it for 10 days instead of buying other drinks, then take the money that you would have spent and donate it to build wells (http://10days.cc). You have a free Saturday? Host a carwash/book drive/garage sale/etc for Invisible Children. You want to see the world reached for His glory? Pray for the nations. Go to the nations. Get out of your comfort zone. Go.

I'm sorry, I just don't want to explode on someone.... so I wrote this out. It's a mess, as I'm not focusing well. Don't expect any fluidity, any poetry or eloquent phrases. I'm just so frustrated with the state that American Christians are in. There are people who are dying without any sort of access to the Gospel, and what are we doing to change that? We are hosting game nights with our local church group and discussing theology with each other...

Good plan. Because when Jesus commands us to go and make disciples of all nations, He really means to take what we know, grow it in our own lives, and then refuse to share it to those who are spiritually hungry. Because when we are told to serve the poor, the widows, the orphans, He really means to just serve the people in our church, because they are the ones who pour back into our lives... and really it's all about us. Please don't get me wrong here. It is GOOD to discuss theology. It is GOOD to grow one another within the church, and to have fellowship with believers. That's Biblical. But there is so much more. How are we applying it?

And I know that not all American Believers are like this, so don't be offended if you're one who stands up for justice, and takes Truth to the nations.

I also know that it can be a difficult balance- social justice and the Gospel. Trust me, I'm guilty of putting justice before the Gospel on multiple occasions, and have been convicted hardcore of that. But we can't throw the baby out with the bathwater. We can't just assume that things are fine for everyone. That just because we are living in America means that we are loved more by the Lord, and thus we can choose to turn our backs on our brothers and sisters across the world who are living in oppression. Take Love with Truth. Take it to the Nations.

 

It's Biblical. I promise.