wwjd bracelets, jelly bands, livestrong, silly banz, you.

I hate that you've become a fad that people want to take refuge in while they can. Your name becomes as cliche as... well, as cliche as cliches get.

My sparrow. My tree. The one who pushes me to fly, but the one I always fly back to. The one who helps me find my grounding, my roots.

To some of us, you are not a bracelet to be worn and shown off for status.

I have the dinosaurs, grapes, AND a soccer ball. All you have is the heart.

((i'll take the heart))

John 12.24

I carry you with me into the world,
into the smell of rain
the words that dance between people
for me, it will always be this way,
walking in the light,
remembering being alive together 

 Love you and miss you so much tonight. I'm jealous of you dancing with others as you praise Jesus... as He stands in front of you. Selfishly, I want you to come back. To sit on my porch and drink ice tea with me and eat ice cream. To skype me so I can hear your voice one more time. But nothing I can offer could ever compare to being with the Lord. "Well done, my good and faithful servant."- the words you always wanted to hear coming from the King of all creation. I know He said them to you. And one day, I will hug you again with all the joy we once had plus some. One day I will rejoice in heaven and praise the Lord of Lords with you. Until then, I miss you and will carry you with me all the way. I know that even in your death, so much fruit will come forth for the harvest. You sought to live your life as a testimony to who God was- and you did it, Chris. You shone so bright into the world, it was a bit blinding! Your life, your joy, your passion; I hold them so close to my heart that they mix with my own and overflow. I will never forget you and the legacy you have left behind. I love you, and I'm thankful everyday for the time I shared with you. What a wonderful man of God, what a wonderful friend, what a wonderful creation He made you. :)

"Please don't think I take it lightly to leave you. 

I love you and will miss you,

but know that this absence will only be temporary.

I'll see you soon."

-Chris Baillie

November 24, 1985 - Jul 18, 2010

The man who never tiptoed.

All around you people will be tiptoeing through life, just to arrive at death safely. But dear children, do not tiptoe. Run, hop, skip or dance, just don't tiptoe.

 Words fail me. So I chose to quote others.

I love you so much.

Thank you for helping me learn to jump. I was so excited to tell you that I'm doing it. I'm jumping. No turning back now. You always ran headfirst into life, Chris. Your life was an example of living boldly.

I love you for running, for hopping, for skipping, and for dancing. For being you.

I miss you already.

rejoice in the life.

What do you do when your heart is broken for your family? 

I mean, how do I even express that? It's just... stunning. My IC family is torn, and I can do nothing. 

I want to do something. Something to heal the wounds that today caused.

God, work in mighty ways. Nate's death- along with the many Ugandans killed today- will not be in vain. I don't understand your ways, and I never will. But I know that You are sovereign, Father. I know that You have a plan and that You use even the worst of events for Your glory. Be with the Henns, and with Lindsey, and the families of the Ugandans killed today. Be with the IC family in this time of brokenness, and move in the hearts of those left in the wake of this bombing. 

"Truly, truly, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it bears much fruit" -John 12.24

Friends,

I don't say enough how much I love you. If I could hold every one of you in my arms right now, I would. I beg of you, don't take today for granted. I thought today of the NY Times article I read not too long after the bombing. It said that "one American" had died. That's a headline I've read so many times. "Plane crashes in Bahamas. 24 injured, 4 killed." "Explosion at Auto Factory Leaves 17 Dead." Numbers.

But today it was a member of the family I hold so close to my heart. That "one" meant something. These numbers I read are not just random people. They are someone's child; someone's girlfriend or boyfriend; someone's teacher; someone's father or mother; someone's best friend. How often do I just assume that those people in my life will continue to be there tomorrow? 

Each one of you who reads this has shared in my life to some degree. Some more than others, but you have left an imprint on my life and I am so grateful every time I think of you. The beautiful hearts and souls I see in each and every one of you is absolutely breathtaking. I don't know why God has shown me such grace in giving me you, but He has, and I am in awe of the lives I am surrounded by. 

I love you. I love you. I love you.

Tomorrow, at 4.34 PM I will be joining Natalie Sheehan in dancing my heart out in memory of Nate Henn. It will be a celebration of his life, and his sacrifice. It will be a celebration of the life I have been given, and the friends I have been blessed with. Rejoice in the life, my beloved. We will not always have the chance to dance.

roses.

Please meet me here, Father.

I need You to meet me here.

Today was just challenging. And I'm so thankful for the Lord providing me a roommate out here who understands a lot of what I'm going through. She and I are very similar- not only theologically but also just in our interests and the people who we are surrounded by at college. I love that I can bounce my opinions off of her, and she helps me process what I'm learning. I'm looking forward to spending this summer learning and growing in the Lord with Kristen. Gracious Father, I praise you for Kristen. For her beautiful heart to serve you and glorify you. For her willingness to obey by joining SAI and really learning to love the sisters as Your children. I know that there is so much we can learn from each other, and I just ask that you bless our time together- let it be sweet, and glorifying, and edifying. 

Tonight, at church, I had a hard time just meeting with the Lord. So much was blocking my heart and I just found it impossible to fully focus. But I needed this. This time to see what I had on my heart and see what I needed help changing. It's like Claude said this morning-- We may have a completely pure ocean. No specks of garbage or oil. But the minute you put some debris in it, it becomes tainted. and no matter how much pure water we pour into that ocean, the only way to make it clean again is to pull the impurity out. When my heart has something that is not of You, I can't make it pure by pouring good things, but rather by repenting, focusing on You and Your glory, and asking you to help me.

So Father, meet me. Form my heart to be like Yours. My being cries out to you for you to come and speak in my stillness.

Only You are worthy of my praise, my longing, Lord. Fill me with Your presence.

summer girl.

Last Saturday, I said goodbye to my duplex. I left my handprint in an awful shade of yellowish tan paint called "Almond Paste." Don't worry, the handprint is behind the cabinet in the bathroom. As LB and I groaned over the poor choice of paint color chosen by our landlord, and as I scrubbed every last bit of the house clean, I decided I wanted to leave a mark on the house, as it had on me. So I decided that a handprint would be perfect. We had taken the cabinet off the wall so it was easier to paint, and staring at the white square on the wall where the shelf had been, it just felt right.

As I mentioned in an earlier post, this house has seen me through a lot of things. A roller coaster of emotions, roommates, and seasons. I turned off the air conditioner that two years ago, I would have given anything for. Instead, we laid on the floor, listening to Ella and Louis, too hot to move. Books went into storage until August 15. Books about soccer that once held concert tickets and children's books about a bad hair day. I packed away the speakers that have been the source of a few of the best dance party days ever. I closed the blinds that were finally fixed only a few months ago and replaced the back porch lightbulb- you know, the fixture that was filled with bugs. And I had a choice to make. These flashbacks, these moments that I was running through in my mind, what would I do with them? Would I keep them with me, allowing the hurt I felt to hold me back? Or allowing the moments of bliss cloud my view of what I am blessed with currently?

And so when I walked out that door, I locked the door on the memories I had made inside these walls. It's time to move forward. To be thankful for the beautiful moments, but not dwell.

I set "Crooked Teeth" as my ringtone, as it was two summers ago. But, it will no longer be a reminder of... of anything. It's just a ringtone. And it's 100 degrees, so it's fitting.

I cut and colored my hair... for me. And no one else.

I heard Hide and Seek and sang along.

I watched Anime with girls I adore and had a blast.

I drove past Falls Creek, and smiled.

And most importantly, I realized that Winter is finally over. Summer is here, and I have never been more ready. Bring it on.