roses.

Please meet me here, Father.

I need You to meet me here.

Today was just challenging. And I'm so thankful for the Lord providing me a roommate out here who understands a lot of what I'm going through. She and I are very similar- not only theologically but also just in our interests and the people who we are surrounded by at college. I love that I can bounce my opinions off of her, and she helps me process what I'm learning. I'm looking forward to spending this summer learning and growing in the Lord with Kristen. Gracious Father, I praise you for Kristen. For her beautiful heart to serve you and glorify you. For her willingness to obey by joining SAI and really learning to love the sisters as Your children. I know that there is so much we can learn from each other, and I just ask that you bless our time together- let it be sweet, and glorifying, and edifying. 

Tonight, at church, I had a hard time just meeting with the Lord. So much was blocking my heart and I just found it impossible to fully focus. But I needed this. This time to see what I had on my heart and see what I needed help changing. It's like Claude said this morning-- We may have a completely pure ocean. No specks of garbage or oil. But the minute you put some debris in it, it becomes tainted. and no matter how much pure water we pour into that ocean, the only way to make it clean again is to pull the impurity out. When my heart has something that is not of You, I can't make it pure by pouring good things, but rather by repenting, focusing on You and Your glory, and asking you to help me.

So Father, meet me. Form my heart to be like Yours. My being cries out to you for you to come and speak in my stillness.

Only You are worthy of my praise, my longing, Lord. Fill me with Your presence.

summer girl.

Last Saturday, I said goodbye to my duplex. I left my handprint in an awful shade of yellowish tan paint called "Almond Paste." Don't worry, the handprint is behind the cabinet in the bathroom. As LB and I groaned over the poor choice of paint color chosen by our landlord, and as I scrubbed every last bit of the house clean, I decided I wanted to leave a mark on the house, as it had on me. So I decided that a handprint would be perfect. We had taken the cabinet off the wall so it was easier to paint, and staring at the white square on the wall where the shelf had been, it just felt right.

As I mentioned in an earlier post, this house has seen me through a lot of things. A roller coaster of emotions, roommates, and seasons. I turned off the air conditioner that two years ago, I would have given anything for. Instead, we laid on the floor, listening to Ella and Louis, too hot to move. Books went into storage until August 15. Books about soccer that once held concert tickets and children's books about a bad hair day. I packed away the speakers that have been the source of a few of the best dance party days ever. I closed the blinds that were finally fixed only a few months ago and replaced the back porch lightbulb- you know, the fixture that was filled with bugs. And I had a choice to make. These flashbacks, these moments that I was running through in my mind, what would I do with them? Would I keep them with me, allowing the hurt I felt to hold me back? Or allowing the moments of bliss cloud my view of what I am blessed with currently?

And so when I walked out that door, I locked the door on the memories I had made inside these walls. It's time to move forward. To be thankful for the beautiful moments, but not dwell.

I set "Crooked Teeth" as my ringtone, as it was two summers ago. But, it will no longer be a reminder of... of anything. It's just a ringtone. And it's 100 degrees, so it's fitting.

I cut and colored my hair... for me. And no one else.

I heard Hide and Seek and sang along.

I watched Anime with girls I adore and had a blast.

I drove past Falls Creek, and smiled.

And most importantly, I realized that Winter is finally over. Summer is here, and I have never been more ready. Bring it on.

Extraordinary

"Perseverance is a great element of success. If you knock long enough and loud enough at the gate, you are sure to wake up somebody.”
-Henry Longfellow

It's all led to this.

5 and a half years of my life. Hundreds of phone calls and letters and explanations and prayers. Sleeping in churches and parking lots and outside the chase building. Countless tears and hugs and hellos and goodbyes. 

It's all led to this.

What is my heart feeling right now? I can't even explain a bit of it. (I mean, for one thing, I can have coffee again after tonight! And sleep in a bed for the first time since Feb 26!) It's so surreal- that this law that we have worked so hard for is finally about to be signed. In 15 minutes, efforts to put the LRA to an end will not just be a movement of young people, but a law signed by President Obama himself. Tears and smiles won't do today justice. Nor will the celebratory dinner and drink with Jessica and Liz. Today is monumental.

I am so honored to have been a part of this. To meet hundreds of others who have hearts like mine and who have sacrificed time, money, jobs, school for people they have never met, nor will most likely ever meet. Beautiful souls like Cacey Myrick- who watched the documentary on a Wednesday, came to the Rescue in OKC on Friday, rescue road with me to Wichita, and signed up for lobby days. Cacey continues to be a huge supporter of IC, promoting peace in Uganda whenever she can. We need people who see a problem and take action like her. Souls like my beloved Becky Dale and John Beaton, who have been fighting for this for what seems like forever. Who have logged numerous hours calling and writing and putting their lives on hold to see this war's end. Souls like every single person at the OKC hold out- giving up every bit of privacy and comfort to stand in solidarity with the children of Northern Uganda and to let Senator Coburn, and the rest of congress, know that we would not back down. And souls like Lisa Dougan, who inspires us all to fight with all our hearts against evil and to love without abandon.

But we must not forget why we have done this all, and who we are doing it for. As I've quoted Lisa before: 

"We are not heroes. We are just people doing what is expected of us and using our voices to help the voiceless. "

These children are the ones we are fighting for. For them and for the millions of others around the world held in bondage. Today is a huge victory. Finally these invisible children of central Africa are being seen and recognized by the United States government. I am an ordinary person. And most likely, you are an ordinary person. But we are ordinary people who have recognized that it takes people like us, working together, doing what we have been called to do to change the world. 

To do the extraordinary. 

This battle is won, and victory is ours. But the war rages on. Continue to pray and to seek justice for the children of Northern Uganda. Peace is within reach, it can be done. We've seen what a group of crazies can do. I pray that you don't stop now. That you never stop striving for peace.

Today, we stand, holding hands with one another and with the children of central Africa and issue a warning to Joseph Kony: "Your reign is almost over." Today, we lift high the families who have fled their towns and say to them: "We see you! Keep hope!" Today, we look down the track and can see a finish line together. 

Today is an extraordinary day. Congratulations.

Psalm 146:

 ¹ Praise the LORD.
       Praise the LORD, O my soul.

 ² I will praise the LORD all my life;
       I will sing praise to my God as long as I live.

 ³ Do not put your trust in princes,
       in mortal men, who cannot save.

 ⁴ When their spirit departs, they return to the ground;
       on that very day their plans come to nothing.

 ⁵ Blessed is he whose help is the God of Jacob,
       whose hope is in the LORD his God,

 ⁶ the Maker of heaven and earth,
       the sea, and everything in them—
       the LORD, who remains faithful forever.

 ⁷ He upholds the cause of the oppressed
       and gives food to the hungry.
       The LORD sets prisoners free,

 ⁸ the LORD gives sight to the blind,
       the LORD lifts up those who are bowed down,
       the LORD loves the righteous.

 ⁹ The LORD watches over the alien
       and sustains the fatherless and the widow,
       but he frustrates the ways of the wicked.

 ¹⁰ The LORD reigns forever,
       your God, O Zion, for all generations.
       Praise the LORD.

I am a terrible blogger.

It's true. But it's summer now, so maybe I'll take the time to transfer things from my journal into here or to just sit back and write. I've had a lot on my heart and mind lately, but don't expect too much of me quite yet. We'll see. :)

the way i am.

"I wouldn't want a boy to think I was pretty
unless he was the kind of boy who thought I was pretty."
-Everything is Illuminated, Jonathon Safran Foer

"I knew a clean man
but he was not for me.
Now I sew green aprons
over covered seats. He

wades the muddy water fishing,
falls in, dries his last pay-check
in the sun, smooths it out
in Leaves Of Grass.
He's the one for me."

-Lorine Niedecker

this is why i sleep outside.

www.coburnsayyes.com

"February 23, 2010

Dear Dr. Coburn,

My name is Bethany Haley, and I am the President and Founder of eXile international. I am also a psychologist who has a practice in Nashville, Tn and who does trauma work and art therapy with the children who have been tortured by the Lords Resistance Army. Please
find the drawings of the former child soldiers and formerly abducted children. I returned from Congo and Uganda three weeks ago where I heard stories of:

NORMAN who was forced to kill his parents, chop them to pieces and eat their flesh. He is 12. He wept uncontrollably as he told me his story. His name is NORMAN and he is real.

I listened to BARBARA’s story of how she ran from the LRA rebels, but was caught after they shot her in the head. She survived. The scar on her right temple proves it. She is also 12. She did not cry when she told her story. Her heart is frozen.

I heard RICHARD’s story of how he was abducted and also forced to kill his parents and hack them to pieces with a machete. His shirt was drenched with tears when he was finished. He is 14. He is real. He is a great leader and beautiful young man.

I heard ROSE tell of the children she works with in the trauma center in Gulu, Uganda. How the rebels of the LRA forced a boy to kill his brother by biting him to death, Forcing him to tear pieces of flesh off of his brother’s body while he was alive - until he died.

I heard how the LRA forced two other brothers to slice pieces of flesh off of their sister’s face while she was alive and then rape her. She survived – but one of the brothers killed himself out of guilt.

Dr. Coburn, these are real children with real stories. These stories are not new. This has been happening for 23 years. Twenty-Three years, Dr. Coburn. It is time to stand up for what is right.

Dr. Coburn, you are putting a hold on a bill that would finally call the United States to take action against such crimes against children. Some things are not ok. Some things are bigger than technicalities and dollar bills.

This is one of them.

We ask you to stand up for what is right and just and release your hold on this bill. These children cannot come to you with their stories – but we can. We cannot release the hold on this bill to get it passed – only you have the power to do that. We ask you to use your
influence in honor of these children and in memory of those who have lost their lives.

You can read more of these stories on the blog on our website:
www.exileinternational.org.

Thank you for your time.

Best,
Dr. Bethany P. Haley, PhD, LCSW"

Some of the drawings that were attached with the letter, from the eXile children

So, if for some reason, you don't know yet- either by noticing that I look or smell like I've been living outside for a week, or by me telling you, or whatever- I have been holding out in front of Senator Tom Coburn's office since Friday Feb 26th. The hold out has now lasted 232 hours. Those of us who have been out there are standing in support of a bill that has gone before congress that requires the US to help end the 23 year long war in Northern Uganda, the longest running war in Africa, and to set up rehabilitation programs to help the recovery of Northern Uganda and set up sustainable economic opportunities. Currently the bill is blocked from passing by one person- Oklahoma Senator Tom Coburn, who I greatly respect for his desire to keep our debt low and to maintain a responsible policy on overall spending. Let me stress that this campaign that we have been running is in no way an Anti-Coburn campaign. He held the bill originally because it increased spending by 40 million dollars. The bill has since been amended to say that the money would be pulled from ALREADY EXISTING funds for foreign aid through the state department, and thus the national debt would not be increased in any way. Let me rephrase that: whether or not this bill goes through, those funds will still be appropriated for foreign aid. No extra spending is added to the budget. That money can not go to "America's issues," because it IS set aside for foreign aid.
Though his demands have been met, he still refuses to withdraw his hold. I wont bore you with all the details, but feel free to comment and ask me about them and I will respond to you.

This letter was written to Senator Coburn by the president of eXile International. We read it every morning last week to remind us of why we are holding out in front of Senator Coburn's office and to help keep our focus on the children of Northern Uganda. The "sacrifices" we have had to make, though some are more than others, are absolutely nothing in comparison to what these children have been through for the past 23 years. The rain we are standing in today, the cold wind that has hit us every morning? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. This letter hit me really hard, and I would like you all to read it. I encourage you to check out www.coburnsayyes.com and sign the petition asking Senator Coburn to release his hold on the bill that could help end the war in Northern Uganda. If you'd like to do more, feel free to join us out in Oklahoma City at Main and Broadway- the Chase Bank building. :) We will be out there until Dr Coburn releases his hold on Senate Bill 1067.