Mali, Lord?

You know what my heart's answer is.

Keep me at Your feet, O Lord. 

Guide me that I may know Your will and that I will be given wisdom and discernment in this new opportunity. Lord, take my fall 2009, take my education, my heart, my LIFE and shape it as Yours alone- that I am not selfish or wanting, but that I am content in wherever You place me.

I praise you, Jesus

for You are the ultimate healer. I praise you for the peace and comfort you have given me the past couple days.

Heal us, oh Lord. Have mercy on us.

I love you, Father.

If you ask me

how I'm doing with this, don't expect me to know what to say because my heart changes every 5 seconds, I swear.

One moment I'm fine, the next I'm definitely not. I don't know. My heart is just in a weird place right now.

But the Lord is good, and I'm trusting that this is right. 

It just sucks for the time being.

Christian first. Baptist second.

I find myself gradually becoming more and more Baptist.

Had I said that last year, I think that would have scared me and I guarantee I would have run from it- but I love what the Lord is doing in my life, who He is shaping me into.

That being said, this past week has been really hard- I've gotten quite a bit of opposition from both non-Christian and Christian friends for my faith. I would be a horrible liar if I said that it didn't break me from the inside out. A few blogs ago I posted about being an honest and bold Christian, who isn't afraid to share the gospel. And I know a lot of the opposition to what I believe stemmed from that post and people taking me to be "too conservative." Here is me saying "Yes, I admit it: it's hard and it kinda sucks." Being rejected by your friends- especially those who share your faith- hurts more than I can explain, but I know that it could never compare to the brokenness I imagine Jesus felt when His people- His family, friends, people in the church who had known Him since He was a child- turned on Him to put Him on the Cross. 

My faith rests confidently in the Word of the Lord. Not in men, not in myself, not in some feeling I get after a good night of worship and prayer- but in the rock solid Word of God. 

Father, You are mighty and powerful. I praise You and I desire to glorify You in all that I am! I long to bring honor to Your name, even though I fail time and time again. Almighty, I've been so beat down by my friends this week. Friends, God, whom I have trusted in for many many things. You know how their words and actions have hurt me, but God I ask that you help me to stay bold in my faith. Lord, give me words to speak that are filled with your truth and balanced in love so that my tongue does not cut through ties of friendship. Lord, I need Your discernment to be able to pick out Your voice above theirs... and above anyone's! Your truth is the truth I base my faith around, not the human idea of a "relative truth". I know Your words in Provers 2:6 say "For the Lord gives wisdom: out of His mouth comes knowledge and understanding." Lord, I cry for your wisdom that I may see my faults. Silence the doubts that arise in my heart and tear them away with your truth. Father, I ask that you help me be humble to accept correction from brothers and sisters in You so that I may not hinder myself from learning more about You and Your awesome ways.

God, I praise you. You are more complex and more beautiful than I could ever imagine. Thank you for who You are, and for who You are molding me to be.

Darkness and Tree-shadows.

Who actually reads this? Pretty much no one. So I'm okay just writing for no one in particular.

I'm a wimp. I hate the dark. Which is strange, because I'm such a night person- I hit my prime around 11 or 12. But I do, I'm terrified of the dark. It reminds me that I am so alone and vulnerable. And you know what else I hate? The shadows that things make on the window when there is a little bit of backlighting- be it a streetlamp, or just the moon. It freaks me out and I just don't have good memories of shadows. Or windows. Or darkness.

So I have legitimate reasons. But still, I feel like a 5 year old.

Tonight, I'm watching the tree-shadows. These shadows don't dance as I've seen some do. They don't play and jump excitedly. These branches yell and push and pull. One of the branches on the tender tree outside keeps swaying forward and the shadow makes it look as though it is hitting a smaller branch repeatedly. I know how that smaller branch feels.

I'm not trying to use elegant words and beautiful descriptions, if I was I would be failing miserably. But, as I said earlier, no one actually reads this except for me. 

Tonight I want to hide under my covers, I want to run from this dark I know well. Everywhere I look there are shadows and windows and memories. Fear.

Sometimes it's killer being a night person. The midnight fear is always the worst. Lucky for many of you morning-people, you may never experience it. The midnight's fear is not just a fear of men, oh no. It's a fear of your past, of your future, of the trust you place in people, of the trust you place in yourself. It's a desire to be someone different, but knowing that nothing can be done until tomorrow. It's having the big branch hit you on the head over and over and over- with truth, pain, envy, memories, and worry. 

I'm not in the mood for tree-shadows. Not even if they danced for me. They almost never do. 

I'm not in the mood for darkness.  I hate the way it makes me stress.

I'm not in the mood for windows. But then again, I'm rarely in the mood for windows at night.

Really, if you want to get down to it, I'm not in the mood for anything. I'm just in a bad mood.

Hooray.

Can I just say:

that the Lord blows me away? I mean, seriously, the things that I don't comprehend about Him... they are limitless. I'm going back through Romans and finding all the different facets of the Lord, and I can't even begin to understand. I can't think about His wrath that goes alongside His unending grace and mercy; His incredible power- that mighty fortress of strength- that lies in one hand, and the lamb-like meekness in His other. God is so... crazy. So amazing. So perfect. So... I don't know. The 26 letters of our alphabet cannot form a word that fits Him. 

He is God.

He is.

He.

Also, as I've been reading through Romans, I was given a key verse- it's kinda the summation of the first 11 chapters. The first 11 go through theology, while chapters 12-16 are the application of that theology. Romans 11:36 gives a perfect answer to the question "WHY??" 

"For from Him, and through Him, and to Him are all things. To Him be the glory forever. Amen."

Amen. I mean, wow. It's so true. Everything is for the glory of the Lord. Everything is from the glory of the Lord. Everything is His- so I need to make sure I am reflecting that in everything. 

It's beautiful. And challenging. More like beautifully challenging. I've had it written on my wrist for the past few days to remind me. 

My God? He's gloriously incredible.