when being at the top feels like the bottom.

I'll be real with you guys. All 5 of you who read this.

For the first time ever, I'm at the very top of my "healthy weight range" for my height/age. I've always tended to be around the middle of it-never really skinny, but never huge.

And now, even the thought of stepping on a scale again anytime soon makes me want to cry. 

I've been working out, trying to eat healthier, trying not to snack on crap I don't need. But nothing seems to help. And nothing seems to stick for long.

And, I know. I'm not fat. Whatever. I just don't feel good anymore. I'm to the point where I don't care how YOU think I look... but I feel gross. And no, I don't want to be 100 lbs. I don't have any expectations to ever look like an Urban Outfitters model or have legs like Abby Van Duker. But I want to feel good about myself again, and I can't seem to get there.

Here's the deal: At the start of the summer, I was already bigger than where I wanted to be. But I've gained constantly since July. For a while, I didn't care. I've heard that happens a lot. People either stop eating or they eat all the time. I was clearly the latter. It's almost like I decided that since I lost huge part of my heart, I would make up for it in resees and ice cream. I became empty and needed something to fill me. And though I turned often to the Lord and to prayer, I turned just as often to food. Not surprisingly, junk food didn't fill me. But I start school again and things get even more stressful as I'm trying to finish my degree. Late nights working on my capstone turned into eating crap again. Busy days left me no energy to work out or to even do much.

So here I am. 6 and a half months later, almost 20 lbs over what I want to be, feeling like my efforts to lose weight have been futile, and that I'm losing myself behind it.

And then there's the fact that eating healthy requires more money than I have. Which is none. I'm having a killer hard time finding a job, and so I'm sitting at home all day cleaning or sorting boxes and so what better time filler than snacking? And my house doesn't exactly keep the healthiest snacks around.

 I really want to start weight watchers but, as mentioned before, I have no money. That would give me some form of accountability program. I need to see people who are sticking to a healthier lifestyle and who are seeing results. So, maybe I just need to let people know. I need people to hold me accountable. People who know me and aren't afraid to call it like it is. I'm putting my initial goal weight on my wall along with the weight I'm at now and I'm going to try to keep to a healthy meal plan. Not an atkins or south beach diet program that would never last- but scheduling workouts and choosing water over sodas and things like that. Steps towards losing weight and staying healthy.

Can you guys be praying for me? It seems so silly. I'm just at a point where I'm in a new place, with honestly no friends, and I'm just having trouble keeping order in my life. Plano is horribly lonely thus far and I want to be able to at least start regulating some part of it. So can you be praying that I find some accountability and enough motivation to stick with this. I haven't felt a lot of motivation for many things lately, so this may be harder than it should be. Haha.

So there it is. A bunch of heart jumble and how I'm dealing with moving. Which isn't too well. 

There's a lot of changes I'm having to make, and adjusting is weirder than I expected it. This is just the thing that's kind of pushing me over the edge. Watching myself gain weight and not knowing how to even start to get my life back.

Oy.