Darkness and Tree-shadows.

Who actually reads this? Pretty much no one. So I'm okay just writing for no one in particular.

I'm a wimp. I hate the dark. Which is strange, because I'm such a night person- I hit my prime around 11 or 12. But I do, I'm terrified of the dark. It reminds me that I am so alone and vulnerable. And you know what else I hate? The shadows that things make on the window when there is a little bit of backlighting- be it a streetlamp, or just the moon. It freaks me out and I just don't have good memories of shadows. Or windows. Or darkness.
So I have legitimate reasons. But still, I feel like a 5 year old.

Tonight, I'm watching the tree-shadows. These shadows don't dance as I've seen some do. They don't play and jump excitedly. These branches yell and push and pull. One of the branches on the tender tree outside keeps swaying forward and the shadow makes it look as though it is hitting a smaller branch repeatedly. I know how that smaller branch feels.

I'm not trying to use elegant words and beautiful descriptions, if I was I would be failing miserably. But, as I said earlier, no one actually reads this except for me. 

Tonight I want to hide under my covers, I want to run from this dark I know well. Everywhere I look there are shadows and windows and memories. Fear.

Sometimes it's killer being a night person. The midnight fear is always the worst. Lucky for many of you morning-people, you may never experience it. The midnight's fear is not just a fear of men, oh no. It's a fear of your past, of your future, of the trust you place in people, of the trust you place in yourself. It's a desire to be someone different, but knowing that nothing can be done until tomorrow. It's having the big branch hit you on the head over and over and over- with truth, pain, envy, memories, and worry. 

I'm not in the mood for tree-shadows. Not even if they danced for me. They almost never do. 
I'm not in the mood for darkness.  I hate the way it makes me stress.
I'm not in the mood for windows. But then again, I'm rarely in the mood for windows at night.

Really, if you want to get down to it, I'm not in the mood for anything. I'm just in a bad mood.



Anonymous said...

I really enjoyed your writing in this post. I'm a night person as well, and I know exactly what you're talking about.

Oddly, I think that night feels different in different places. Maybe it's got something to do with wind/temperature.

Janelle said...

No it's true- there are some places that the night feels 100% different.

Hooray night people. Boo night fears.